I Caught My Child Looking at Porn — What Do I Do?

His name is Unf. Say hi to him. He’s the elephant in the room. Unf is there when you stand on the edge of a diving board ready to jump, he’s there when you’re teetering two steps away from the stage, and he’s there the first time your children come to you admitting they have watched porn.

You see Unf is short for uncomfortable. In fact its his speciality to make you feel this heaviness. His goal is to distract you, weigh you down, and block your mind from thought or reaction.

He played a dangerous role in Kimra’s story. When Kimra was a child she was never introduced to pornography through video. Back in the 90s it was of course available, however it frightened her so much so that she would rip out the computer cord if she went to a website by mistake.

However, pornography still made its way into her life through chatrooms. In these chatrooms she would often be messaged, “Wanna cyber?” Before sexting there was cyber sex which occurred in chatrooms and private chat boxes. In one of these chatrooms she met an individual who invited her to a message board.

On these message boards there were written sexual encounters between individuals or fantasy characters. It took some time but before long she was writing these chat stories and saving them.

Eventually, her father discovered these stories and told her how disappointed he was in her.

Sadly, in this situation that statement did nothing more but push Kimra to further hide her messages and inevitably meet more individuals on different boards.

It was not that the father’s intentions were wrong in this situation but instead his approach. Anyone would agree that it makes sense to tell your children right from wrong, however when your child does come to you with these situations it is vital that you meet them with one word.

Love.

Love overcomes a multitude of faults and it makes a significant difference in a child’s life.

If we come to our children with love as the focus we are able to kept the doors of communication open. Sexuality is not something we should cringe at or be afraid of but it should be an ongoing conversation that we continue to maintain. Shame is unproductive and will create no positive difference in the life of a child.

What Do I Do If My Child Is Looking At Porn?

Ashton Kutcher the co-founder of Thorn quoted Carlos Slim while on the panel at Rotary International’s human trafficking conference, “Most people think they need to make a better world for their children, but the reality is we need to make better children for our world.”

1. Keep calm and stay neutral
Above all make sure to remain calm. Take a breath and stay focused. Remember this is a moment of truth. How you react in this moment will determine maintaining a relationship of trust with your child or their trust going toward someone else instead. You do not want others to be the go to knowledge base of sexuality for your child. You can be the one to guide them if you choose to remain calm.

2. Shift Your Focus
By shifting our focus of closeted protection toward our children and their lives toward their impact on the world around them we open the doors of accountability. This is the opposite of shame. This creates an environment of encouragement and connection.

3. Become an Accountability Partner
We can hold our children accountable and within this relationship develop trust and a depth of intricate synergy. Tell your children that if they find themselves looking or tempted by pornography to open a conversation with you.

4. Shine a light on the facts
We all have opinions about why porn is wrong but in this age of internet and Google searches children are more knowledgeable than ever. With so many forces out there telling kids that there is nothing wrong with porn especially young men we need to be armed with the facts. One great site that is a world changer in this issue is Fight The New Drug (link it). They are a game changer and making an impact on this issue!

5. Show the damage their click can cause
There are 46 million people in slavery and 70% of selling people for sex occurs online. If we want to bring better children in our world we need to let our children know the pain porn causes. In 9 countries almost half of individuals said that pornography was made of them which they were in forced prostitution. Watch this quick video with your kids to impact them let them know the damage their click can do. http://www.rescuefreedom.org/get-involved/refusetoclick/

6. Let them make mistakes
Honestly, can we just say goodbye to helicopter parenting? Let’s begin to trust kids enough to let them make the wrong choices. The reality is we sometimes look in the mirror and we are projecting our own facade of success upon children and clutching onto our personal fears. In order to have children that are free we must let them make mistakes.

We all know that our children deserve more than dictatorship. They deserve relationship. In a nutshell, we can be more than a best friend to our children we can become a confidant.

7. Ask them what they’ve seen and if they have any questions
Therapist Kristen Howerton wrote an article on Huffington Post and encouraging parents to ask in depth questions, “Honestly, when I counseled parents and kids through this, this question often elicited a lot of emotions from kids, because they really did want to talk to their parents about it. Let your child know you can handle what they saw by asking questions like, “Did you see anything that scared you?” or “Is there anything you saw that was confusing to you?” to help facilitate the conversation. This part may not be comfortable. Pretend like it is, and be prepared to answer any questions they have.”

So we know the problem. Well how do you actually make a change in pornography itself and its impact on slavery? There are many ways you can get involved and help your children to see that they can be the solution instead of part of the problem. The age old line of, “I’m not hurting anyone no longer stands.” The demand that clicking porn ignites is undeniable and we have to attack it head-on!

One of the ways you can do this is by letting everyone know where you stand on this issue by purchasing from Fight The New Drug. https://store.fightthenewdrug.org These tees, tanks, and hats are an easy way to straight up take a stand and make a change in the lives of people you pass by on the street.

Don’t be afraid to raise your voice, be open with your kids, or talk about the realities of slavery. Let us all take a take together and #dowhatwecando!